Perspective is balls, and I think I just stepped down off of one fuck of a pedestal.

All is fair in love and war.

In the end of the video, he walks away, assumedly never to be heard from again.

And so I live my life.

So, less emphasis should be placed.

Which I suppose is easy when there is nothing there in the first place.

Going to talk to a professional about my lil' problems tomorrow.

I've also found a good friend in listmaking. Man, did I ever get shit done today.

This time off has been incredibly necessary. Going to work would have probably only made things worse to the point that I'd just end up screwing up my job on a daily basis. I'm glad I stepped back.

I pulled my hamstring the other night. It hurts a lot.

I suppose I should write about this, because years down the road it'll be interesting to see what I've done.

So I've got panic disorder.

( Read more... )

Urg. Not really in the mood to go out right now. We were going to go to a nice neighbourhood restaurant with a couple friends that are also from the neighbourhood. Now we're going to Luxalune, which is fine - it's just not thrilling. At all. The service there always sucks, the food leaves a lot to be desired, and half the beers I want are never in stock. It's a place that tries so hard to pretend it's any good, but it just falls short in every way.

And now it's not just 4 of us, it's 10.

And Aaron volunteered our home as the after-place, and he's done nothing to clean it so it's all on me. On one of my 2 days off.

I pretty much only use this to vent anymore, don't I?

One week 'til moving day. The whole main floor has been painted. The upstairs will be started tonight.

Packing here at the apartment is going slowish, but I decided to tackle the hard stuff first. Things like the dresser and the closets, which are full of stuff to go through before packing.

I think this'll be ok.

Decorated for Christmas the other day.

Ripped it all down an hour ago because I'm fucking fed up with basically everything right now. Threw the tree back in the box and everything.

There is so so so soooo much guilt in my life right now that I just want to forget Christmas is even happening. Guilt that I'm working Christmas even though I'll be home to celebrate late that night or anytime on boxing day. Guilt over asking my dad for advice on our house. Guilt over asking favours. Guilt over being the reason Aaron isn't going home for Christmas and the associated constant questions about when we'll be there. Guilt guilt guilt.

Trying to alleviate the guilt by attempting to rent a car for the day for tomorrow turned into anger that I was either going to be charged $30 including insurance or $100 without. And the $30 sites all told me my postal code is wrong.

I just had a really bad day. Happy house day.

So you may remember that in recent months, I decided I was getting a little beyond my weight comfort zone. I could tell I'd gained, I felt it in my ability to do things, and my opinion of myself was deteriorating.

This sucks, especially because I lead a website whose whole philosophy is to love yourself. Here I was, looking in the mirror and frowning. Bleh.

My weight gradually crept up over the summer. I didn't have a scale, so I have no concept of what my highest weight was. So. I went out and did something I'd sworn I'd never do: I bought a scale. It's a little digital dealie that sits in my bathroom. I now weigh myself everyday in the morning. The lucky thing is that almost everyday, I've seen the numbers go down. How? I've been doing something that people often refer to as "food journaling". I've been using http://caloriecount.about.com, and it's been absolutely amazing. It really helped me realize that I was overeating and overdrinking. Once I realized where the problem was, I was able to nip it in the bud.

Do I still drink beer? Yes, but usually just one or two then I switch to bourbon on the rocks. (check out www.getdrunknotfat.com for your best alcohol:calorie ratios) I still have fries and burgers and in Florida I pigged out on biscuits with sausage gravy and crab eggs benny and pizza and beer and all kinds of things. Yes, I didn't lose any weight that weekend but who fucking cares? It was delicious.

Do I still eat what I used to eat? Yes. Completely. 100%. I'm not on Atkins, I'm not on South Beach, I'm on "eat what I want in moderation". I logged two days on calorie count of just things I would normally eat in the amounts I would eat them (what I thought was a serving). Over 3,000 calories per day is about what I would eat on a regular day. No wonder I was gaining weight.

So now I use the little kitchen scale we have to weigh out portions of things, nutrition info of which is readily available on CalorieCount so I don't have to do the math. I have learned what a portion is, and how to beef up a meal with things that aren't going to add a million calories to my meals.

I was already eating pretty healthily before all this, so it was really just a question of making my portions smaller. I don't really do fast food, we did eat out at restaurants a lot, I don't drink pop (save for club soda with lime, which is fine). I cut down my booze intake, but am certainly allowing myself to have one solid drinking night per week, and then as many boozes as I like if it fits in my day.

My daily calorie limit? The one that's making me just straight up lose weight? 1700/day. That's so much! But when you think about it, I'm basically halving my intake - an intake that was bad for me.

So this is all I'll talk about calories, because I'm not someone who looks at people like "ew, do you know how many calories are in there?!" I do know now how many there are in most things, and know how to portion them so that I can still have them. Chips are fucking delicious. So is beer.

I just needed to teach myself what a healthy level of all the food in the world is. And I've lost 9.5lbs in a month, reaching my end-of-November goal.

I do lose more on days when I work out (45 mins on the elliptical - my knees just can't do running, but maybe when I'm a more manageable weight).

At the top, I was 210lbs. Today, I weigh 200 even. Today is the first day my BMI no longer classifies me as obese - only overweight. Today I feel like I've taken my life back. :) Here's to more healthy eating and healthy body.

Hey kids,

I'm subletting my apartment on Hargrave for January 1. We may also be able to work out a February possession if that works better for you. It's a 2 bedroom 2 bathroom place, which are rare. The regular 2 bedroom ones come up, but not these so much.

Check out the kijiji ad here: http://winnipeg.kijiji.ca/c-ViewAd?AdId=334372957&Guid=133ec220-d350-a20b-26d5-7d7bfffe777d

Share this around if you think you know someone who'd like to live here.

Thanks!

So we bought a house?