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Merry ho ho.

Decorated for Christmas the other day.

Ripped it all down an hour ago because I'm fucking fed up with basically everything right now. Threw the tree back in the box and everything.

There is so so so soooo much guilt in my life right now that I just want to forget Christmas is even happening. Guilt that I'm working Christmas even though I'll be home to celebrate late that night or anytime on boxing day. Guilt over asking my dad for advice on our house. Guilt over asking favours. Guilt over being the reason Aaron isn't going home for Christmas and the associated constant questions about when we'll be there. Guilt guilt guilt.

Trying to alleviate the guilt by attempting to rent a car for the day for tomorrow turned into anger that I was either going to be charged $30 including insurance or $100 without. And the $30 sites all told me my postal code is wrong.

I just had a really bad day. Happy house day.

Take that, BMI.

So you may remember that in recent months, I decided I was getting a little beyond my weight comfort zone. I could tell I'd gained, I felt it in my ability to do things, and my opinion of myself was deteriorating.

This sucks, especially because I lead a website whose whole philosophy is to love yourself. Here I was, looking in the mirror and frowning. Bleh.

My weight gradually crept up over the summer. I didn't have a scale, so I have no concept of what my highest weight was. So. I went out and did something I'd sworn I'd never do: I bought a scale. It's a little digital dealie that sits in my bathroom. I now weigh myself everyday in the morning. The lucky thing is that almost everyday, I've seen the numbers go down. How? I've been doing something that people often refer to as "food journaling". I've been using http://caloriecount.about.com, and it's been absolutely amazing. It really helped me realize that I was overeating and overdrinking. Once I realized where the problem was, I was able to nip it in the bud.

Do I still drink beer? Yes, but usually just one or two then I switch to bourbon on the rocks. (check out www.getdrunknotfat.com for your best alcohol:calorie ratios) I still have fries and burgers and in Florida I pigged out on biscuits with sausage gravy and crab eggs benny and pizza and beer and all kinds of things. Yes, I didn't lose any weight that weekend but who fucking cares? It was delicious.

Do I still eat what I used to eat? Yes. Completely. 100%. I'm not on Atkins, I'm not on South Beach, I'm on "eat what I want in moderation". I logged two days on calorie count of just things I would normally eat in the amounts I would eat them (what I thought was a serving). Over 3,000 calories per day is about what I would eat on a regular day. No wonder I was gaining weight.

So now I use the little kitchen scale we have to weigh out portions of things, nutrition info of which is readily available on CalorieCount so I don't have to do the math. I have learned what a portion is, and how to beef up a meal with things that aren't going to add a million calories to my meals.

I was already eating pretty healthily before all this, so it was really just a question of making my portions smaller. I don't really do fast food, we did eat out at restaurants a lot, I don't drink pop (save for club soda with lime, which is fine). I cut down my booze intake, but am certainly allowing myself to have one solid drinking night per week, and then as many boozes as I like if it fits in my day.

My daily calorie limit? The one that's making me just straight up lose weight? 1700/day. That's so much! But when you think about it, I'm basically halving my intake - an intake that was bad for me.

So this is all I'll talk about calories, because I'm not someone who looks at people like "ew, do you know how many calories are in there?!" I do know now how many there are in most things, and know how to portion them so that I can still have them. Chips are fucking delicious. So is beer.

I just needed to teach myself what a healthy level of all the food in the world is. And I've lost 9.5lbs in a month, reaching my end-of-November goal.

I do lose more on days when I work out (45 mins on the elliptical - my knees just can't do running, but maybe when I'm a more manageable weight).

At the top, I was 210lbs. Today, I weigh 200 even. Today is the first day my BMI no longer classifies me as obese - only overweight. Today I feel like I've taken my life back. :) Here's to more healthy eating and healthy body.
Hey kids,

I'm subletting my apartment on Hargrave for January 1. We may also be able to work out a February possession if that works better for you. It's a 2 bedroom 2 bathroom place, which are rare. The regular 2 bedroom ones come up, but not these so much.

Check out the kijiji ad here: http://winnipeg.kijiji.ca/c-ViewAd?AdId=334372957&Guid=133ec220-d350-a20b-26d5-7d7bfffe777d

Share this around if you think you know someone who'd like to live here.

This guy just midnight knocked me.

(midnight knock: def: A knock that comes at one's hotel room door after crew drinks are finished at the end of the night, implications of sexual relations)
So I think the things that bother me the most about this pairing is:

1) It's day 4 and no one has acknowledged that my name is Kate and not Katherine despite my repeatedly saying so.

2) We've been working out of Montreal for two days and two of the people refuse to even try to speak any French. "Meli Melo" instead of "bits and bites" isn't that friggin' hard to do, and people appreciate the effort even if it's done with a crazy thick english accent. I had three people get angry at us yesterday because they were asking a french question and this fellow I'm working with just spoke slowly and loudly to the person in English about something they didn't even ask about.

3) It's been a lot of short overnights, so none of us have had time to get to know each other.

4) The floater angrily confronted me over something she did wrong that I had told her not to worry about. Overreacting is cool. Get over it.

I basically can't wait to get home later today.

I can drive a car now.

I literally can't believe I have my driver's license. All these years of just never taking it, and here I am. $450 poorer, but I never have to do it again.

I was reflecting the other day that I should have just taken it when I was in driver's ed. It didn't cost nearly so much as it does to take lessons as an adult. I guess there's also inflation from 10 years ago.. But still.

Anyway. Since I was diligent and always kept my license renewed, I don't have to do the graduated thing. I've just got my full license. Done and done.


Too many things to do!

Manage a website, work a full time job, work the election, workout daily, attend/be in photoshoots, study for annual training, don't spend any money because of prep for Hawaii vacation, clean the apartment all the time, cook for two lest there be no food in the house, practice for driver's test, take driver's test.

All in 10 days. Annual training involves three days in Calgary and a big ol' exam that we have to pass. No pass? No job. I know I'll do fine, but I do want to get a lot more studying in than I've gotten in so far. I guess I'm extra nervous because it's my first annual, and I have no idea what to expect. I decided to work the election for the extra $250. I'm still not regretting the decision for financial reasons, but I do think I put too much on my plate all at once.

So things have been just trying to get me down lately. The obesity thing, for starts. I think I'm mostly done with caring about it, and have been trying to turn the negative thinking into positive action. I do sometimes get pangs of wanting to throw up after eating even small meals, but I don't follow through. The fact that the thought and feeling come to me, though, is pretty gross.

I started the ESPP at work, and while I expected my cheques to go down, this one was $400 less than I usually get. I'm only giving $225/cheque, so where have my extra $175 gone? I am sad. I can make rent, but only if I dip heavily into the money I set aside to pay for the condo in Hawaii for next month. This depressed me. I haven't had cheques this low since I was in Uni. Even my EI cheques were bigger. Yeah, it's bad. So I'm cancelling the share purchase thing for the time being. I know that the money I contributed isn't gone. I know I'll have access to it. I just had bad timing with starting the payments. I'll bring it right down to minimum for now and try again in two or three months when my finances are back in order.

Cherrystems is a labour of love, but one that lately has been stressing me out. I need to get some things going on with it again. It hasn't really declined, but it's plateaued. This gets me down. I'm not giving up, but I do need fresh life breathed into it. I'm building a kind of presentation thing for the bonfire night we have coming up so people can know what we have, what we need, and what they can do.

I took a job as an Assistant Voting Clerk or something. I'll be working the provincial election on the 4th, all day. That'll make me enough money to fly to Hawaii and back, so that's nice.

Today was my first real workout at that gym. Turns out I like it. It's a Curves, so it's mainly middle-aged or old ladies - and the workout is actually pleasant. Hmmm, maybe I'll keep going? Plan is to go in the morning for their (enormously silly) Zumba class. It's circuit training with dancing. Yeah, dancing.
I'm sad. I went to a gym to sign up and start working out - I have a groupon for them. Turns out part of the intake is seeing what your goals are, then measuring every part of you, weighing you, and telling you that on the BMI scale, you're not *just* overweight, you're obese.

I like my body, I'm not unfit in any way, but now I have the desire never to eat food again.

It's horrible - how did this happen?

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June 2013